I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
