the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
