I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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