Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
