honey bunches of taint.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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