God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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