Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
