I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
