He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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