Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
