I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
