I just pynch a tree in the face
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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