Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
