How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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