I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize