the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
