OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
