apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
