Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I could make wine with my vomit
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
