I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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