He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
God I need to hump something, right now.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
