can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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