i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
