I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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