Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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