Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
