It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
