Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
