Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
