I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize