Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
