You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
