Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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