I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
