Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
