Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
