Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
