So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
