He uses pillows to masturbate.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
