Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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