Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Send help, water and tortillas.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
