2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My vagina just clenched in fear
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
