I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
