good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
