someone threw a dead crab at me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
