Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
