You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
