Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
