Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
