Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My life is pants optional.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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