Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
