dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
