I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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