i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
