I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
