Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
