Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
