Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I wish there were birth control emojis
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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